The eye massager is a peripheral shaped like two fingers ready to attempt a Three Stooges-style eye poking. So it makes perfect sense that they'd sell it as a USB device meant to be used around your eyes. It has two distinct vibrating settings: high speed, (which we're assuming is fatal since it would vibrate right into your brain) and low speed (which, while not fatal, probably causes major retinal damage and subsequent blindness).

On the upside, according to the creators, this is pretty much mankind's greatest invention ever. Not only does it soothe your aching eyeballs, it also relieves tension in the central nervous system, aids digestion, stimulates the lymphatic system and fights against infection by boosting your immune system. The creators are already working on a USB back massager that cures cancer.



Why It's Pointless

Before you enthusiastically plunge this device into you eye socket, consider this: why on Earth should you risk blindness when you could just use your own fingers to massage your eyeballs? We aren't entirely convinced by the creators' claims about the devices' supposed magical healing capabilities either. We're not saying they're lying (legally we can't), we're just saying they have something in common with Pinocchio (i.e. both are fucking liars). If you're still considering buying this, then we urge you to take the price into account. We can assure you that there is a multitude of less expensive ways to blind yourself such as peppering the eyeball or a good old-fashioned eye stabbing.